That first message is your chance to make a memorable impression. Unfortunately, many great connections never happen because opening lines fall flat. Let's change that. Here's everything you need to know about crafting first messages that actually get responses.
Why "Hey" Doesn't Work
If you've ever sent or received a simple "hey" or "hi," you know it's a conversation killer. These one-word openings place all the pressure on the recipient to generate momentum. They require minimal effort from the sender and signal a lack of genuine interest. Worse, they blend into the dozens of similar messages someone receives daily.
The goal of a first message isn't just to say hello—it's to start a conversation worth having. That requires thought, specificity, and a hint of personality.
The Formula for Success
Effective first messages typically follow a simple three-part structure:
- Reference something specific from their profile: Show you've read their profile by mentioning a detail that caught your attention—a hobby, travel photo, book they mentioned, or interest they listed.
- Ask an open-ended question: Give them something to respond to beyond yes/no. Questions that invite stories or opinions work best.
- Add a touch of your personality: Let your sense of humor, curiosity, or enthusiasm show through. Be yourself—authenticity is magnetic.
Examples That Work
Instead of: "Hey"
Try: "Your photo in front of the Northern Lights is incredible! Was that from a trip to Iceland? I've always wanted to see auroras in person."
This works because it's specific, complimentary, asks a question, and shares a bit about you.
Instead of: "How's it going?"
Try: "I see you're into hiking—any favorite trails you'd recommend for someone getting back into it after a few years?"
This references their interest, asks for advice (which people enjoy giving), and opens discussion about experiences.
Topics That Spark Conversations
Certain subjects naturally lead to engaging exchanges:
- Travel: Favorite places, dream destinations, memorable trips
- Hobbies and passions: What they love doing in free time
- Creative pursuits: Music, art, books, movies
- Food and cooking: Favorite cuisines, dishes they love making
- Personal growth: Skills they're learning, goals they're pursuing
Avoid overly personal topics early on (politics, religion, past relationships, finances). Save those for once you've built some rapport.
Humor and Playfulness
A well-placed joke or playful observation can set you apart, but use humor carefully:
- Keep it light and inclusive—avoid sarcasm that could be misread
- Self-deprecating humor often works well
- Reference something from their profile in a funny way
- If your joke falls flat, let it go and pivot to something else
Remember: different people have different senses of humor. What lands with one person might not with another—that's okay.
Timing Matters
While there's no perfect time to send a message, consider these factors:
- Send messages when people are likely awake and active (evenings generally work well)
- Avoid extremely late hours unless they indicate they're a night owl
- If they haven't responded after a few days, a gentle follow-up is fine, but don't bombard
- Be patient—people have busy lives and may not check daily
When They Don't Respond
Not every message gets a reply, and that's normal. Reasons might include:
- They're busy or taking a break from the platform
- Your message got buried in notifications
- They don't feel a connection (and that's okay!)
- They're not actively looking for conversations
Don't take non-responses personally. Keep engaging with others. The right connection will respond.
Your Turn
Crafting great first messages gets easier with practice. Start by genuinely reviewing profiles before messaging—you'll naturally find things to reference. Then, focus on quality over quantity: five thoughtful messages will get further than fifty generic "hey"s.
Remember, behind every profile is a person hoping to make a real connection. Your message could be the start of something great. Make it count.